Closure

Today I woke up, as usual, to the sounds of R leaving for the gym. I can tell that by the sounds in the kitchen. After deciding to sleep in and take this week a bit easy, I woke up again, after repeated snoozes. First things first, I switched on wi-fi. And there was the usual flurry of messages. Nothing unusual. Deep down I think I would have liked an unusual message. A good or an interesting one. Just a craving, or a desire. Being away does this to a person (or so I justify). Anyway, I also had some notifications from Google Photos app. Well, what could they be? I am the Google Photos enthusiast. Not my friends. Photos wanted to remind me that it has been 5 years since the graduation of some of my undergrad friends. There were pictures from our Hostel Night. That was 5 years ago? when I first splurged on a nice black dress, accessories, and heels…! (I still have that dress, haven’t worn it as much as I should have. And wait, what! that dress is now 5 years old?)

However, what struck me the most was the people in the photos. I am still in touch and quite close with some of them. Some are the “hey, how are you!” followed then by a long flurry of messages for a few minutes type of friends. And some.. I don’t talk with them anymore.

As I stood beside my bed, subconsciously deciding what to wear for work, my mind raced back to 19th of April 2013. Of all the events that happened on that day. How I felt. How unwelcome I felt at some moments.. Standing there, groggily looking at the pics, I had closure. Closure to deal with the fact that ‘We don’t talk anymore’. All of a sudden. I was no longer angry. I was no longer sad that I don’t speak with some of the people anymore. It was a very strange feeling.

I had been struggling with these emotions for a really long time now. 5 years to be precise. And today was the day when they decided to rest. As I began to feel the sense of relief, the ticking morning clock snapped me back to reality. I rushed through the morning routine of getting ready to kick ass at work. (Lipstick has been a good influence and I seem to have time for it no matter what).

Through the day, I reflected on this new sense of relief although for not more than a few seconds at a time as it was a busy day. After I got home, chilling in the balcony on this hot day, it dawned on me.

The sleepless nights I have spent, the tears, the inner turmoil, the conversations where I was looking for support, the desperate need for closure.. It all comes down to this. The realization that I have had this fallout for more time than we had been friends. The realisation that it was 5 years ago. Least expected.

 

(If you have read this till here, how was your day? How did you feel today? Text me?)